I must be too annoying 4 u.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
