the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
