It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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