No awkward lesbian experiences without me
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
