You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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