why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
