it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
