your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
