I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize