I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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