Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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