I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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