Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
