we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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