Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
