ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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