dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
