they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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