In the future we'll all be gay
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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