Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
