i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
