I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
