we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
