Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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