Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
