I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
