I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
