He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just want nice things and good sex
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
