I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
