I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
