Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
