I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
