just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
