So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
