I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
