Do you still have your period?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
