I wish my penis had an off switch
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it hurts more in the daytime
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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