think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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