we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize