Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
