I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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