***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
