The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
