Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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