Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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