My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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