I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
