ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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