I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
