i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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