I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
