I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
