i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Welp...herpes.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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