just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
