I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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