I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
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