I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize