she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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