I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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