Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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