Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
