At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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