His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
