ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
