Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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