Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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