so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
