Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
