birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just found puke in my bra..
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
