she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
